Each night when I’m putting my now 4.5-year-old kid to bed, we kiss goodnight and share stories about the day. The good things and the bad things, if any. There’s always one bad thing about his day, and thankfully so, that he misses me so much in school. For the record, he is a very active and outgoing kid and has a ton of fun in school with friends and teachers. So, there’s nothing potentially wrong with him being at school. The thing he is talking about is leaving a part of his heart with me when he steps within those boundaries. Do I wish he didn’t feel the pain? Yes! Does it still secretly make me happy that he misses me? Absolutely! It’s a sign of positive attachment – the same thing the people with fancy degrees talk about in the volumes of parenting books that we parents read these days.
The other side of the story, my side of the story, is no different. I love and enjoy my work and being at the office with co-workers collaborating and creating new business opportunities. However, a part of me is always looking at the phone for any updates from the pre-school or during breaks looking at old pictures and videos of him. There hasn’t even been a day yet when I haven’t spoken about him with my colleagues or thought about how much I miss him. Don’t even mistake my fondness for the kid as a result of him being extremely easy-going or obedient. He is a boss baby and has me and my husband wrapped around his fingers. So, even though the natural reaction of being temporarily away should have been a welcomed break from parenting duties, it’s not.
A part of me is exhilarated with his growth and development, but the other part still searches for the little baby who needed his mommy much more. A part of me is relieved that he is more independent and needs less care, but the other part still wants to cut the sides of his toast and hold his hand while he’s climbing down the stairs. A part of me is excited to hear him read books, but the other part misses the slurry speech and the mumbled words that only I could understand. Even though I still complain about how I had to literally carry him like a kangaroo till he was 18 months old because he needed me each moment, at 4.5 years you will be able to tell that I miss those moments because he doesn’t need me for comfort anymore. Am I thankful? Yes – for all of it! Do I wish I could go to the past and relive the moments with my baby? The answer – most surprisingly for me – is again a resounding Yes!
I miss my baby each day when I am away from him, for mins or hours it doesn’t matter. Because I am a mother and motherhood is such. I can tell if you are a mother reading this, you are probably nodding your head in agreement while remembering the stories about your little one(s) and how you miss them or a version of them that exists in the past. A big hug to you! It is true that being a momma is like having multiple break-ups. There is a phase where you are everything to the child and then slowly, they need you lesser and lesser in stages. Each time, tearing a part of you down. Even though you know it’s the rule of nature, and that your role is just to nurture and let them fly – it’s so so hard not to fall deeply madly in love with your own creation. And then to let go. And we must let go ‘happily’ for their better future and growth. Cuz that’s motherhood.
Even so, there is one more duty that I believe we have. To give our kid(s) roots. To let them know that no matter what, they will always have us as their safe havens. That a mother’s love is freeing and also all-encompassing, capable of taking away all worries. So, when he tells me that he misses me, I tell him that I miss him too and that I talk about him a lot at work and everyone knows him. That no matter what, he will always be a top priority in my life. I bet it secretly makes him happy too. I can tell. The other day he made me a craft with his initials and a flower that had “I love you Mom” inscribed on it for me to take to work, and look at when I missed him. It made my heart melt – again! This would not have happened had I masked my feelings to make him “tough”.
Moments later I had an epiphany, as to why in the process of trying to make our kids “tough”, we train them to mask emotions and then act aghast when they don’t show us emotions when they are older. I know I’m throwing yet another curveball at you, but this one is worth a thought. Maybe I’ll probe my thoughts more and present another account of it in the following blog post.
For now, let me conclude by saying that parenting is a beautiful journey with its own highs and lows. It’s not a ride that’s easy – especially considering the demands of modern parenting – but it’s also helluva journey that you will cherish for a lifetime. So, enjoy the time with your kid(s) while they are little, while they’re growing up, and while you still can!
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This article is commemorating the first year of ‘Om n Mom’ stepping out of our safe haven, out in the world on our own separate paths.
I hope you enjoyed reading about my experience. Please leave a comment about what you liked the most, share and like the post too!
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