Expectations, in general, are bad for any relationship because when not fulfilled they lead to bitterness and sometimes conflict. Narrowing the subject of expectations to a very tender and so called “unconditionally loving” parent-child relationship, there has been evidence that children whose parents expect a lot from them suffer distressing consequences that extend to their adult life. Children are under constant – explicit and implicit – pressures to perform to gain the approval and appreciation of their parents. Is the parental love really “unconditional” then? Are the parents not burying their own child’s happiness under their expectations?
I know this is a highly controversial topic and would raise many eyebrows, especially when it’s coming from a non-parent. Most parents would say that it’s only fair to have some expectations of their child, and most expectations are anyway linked to the child’s progress and well-being itself. This really depends on the type of expectation I would say. There are certain expectations that lead to a positive stress in the child’s life, such expectations are ok to have as they motivate the child and help them reach their true potentials. For example, whatever you like to do, do it with excellence. This depends on the child’s natural instincts and liking; it could be academics, sports or a form of art. When this turns to “you need to be among the top 3 in your class in academics”, the same expectation of excellence becomes a negative stressor. The worst is when parents start comparing their child to others. This is definitely a negative stressor, which will only lead to demoralization, lack of interest and general ill feeling in a child. Read more about how parental expectations effects kids.
The burden of a parent’s expectations is also seen in the lives of young adults and even middle-aged ones. It sounds ridiculous, it’s never spoken about or debated, but it’s true. Adults experience stress and burden of parental expectations right from the job to the pay package they get; the age at which they get married to when they have kids; and also beyond that about how they are raising their kids! Parents often compare their own child’s life and progress to others and expect perfection and match between their expectations and reality at each and every stage. Humanly it’s not possible. So please back off and stop expecting! Sometimes parents who expect a lot from their own kids should weigh their own lives and see how many expectations have they fulfilled? How did they feel when certain pressures were put on them? Did they comply fully? If any of these answers are ‘No’, then that’s the sign that they should not get upset over any unfulfilled expectations.
Parents need to realise that there is an element of ‘choice’ that the universe offers to all human beings, and their child is no different. A parent’s job really is to raise a morally strong and well mannered citizen for the society. Endow the right positive attitude in the child. Educate the child to take care of themselves and be independent in every sense of the word by the time the child is ready to leave home. …..And yes, truly, unconditionally love your child because that’s what makes parents, parents! Every other relationship in our lives comes with expectations, at least let this one be without.
Cheers,
Spardha
Please feel free to share your views about parental expectations. If you are a parent, what do you expect from your kid(s) and why? If you are an adult who has experienced parental pressure, share how it affected you.
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