A couple of days back my husband confessed that he wasn’t sure about what ‘he should do’ to make our upcoming anniversary special.
You’ll figure it out, I snapped.
The truth is – he’s never sure. He is one of those who have a hard time expressing their feelings with gestures. I’m not saying he doesn’t, I’m just saying he has a hard time doing it. He’d rather just have me read his mind, which honestly 9 out of 10 times I do (no it’s not a superpower – it comes naturally when you’ve been friends with someone for 18 years).
Then the feminist in me started questioning why should he be the only one who has to make the day “special”?! What was I going to do to put a lasting smile on his face? Something new, something that’s not been done before.
So, gifts, mushy posts on FB, cooking dinner, meals outside, or a holiday were Out.
How about “Appreciation” through a post on my blogs, I thought. That’s how this post came into being!
Spoiler alert 🚨 I’m not enlisting things that I like or love about him (because that he knows and it’s too personal to share) instead here’s a list of 10 life skills that I ‘learned’ from him in no particular order of importance.
Enjoy solitude
I’m an extrovert who draws her energy from being around people. My husband, even though had many friends growing up, was mostly left to his own devices for the better part of the day since he was a single child. I’ve always found him enjoying his own company to the point where it irked me in the past. I even vaguely remember him telling me that “I wish there were two of me – I’m so awesome”. He’s not vain, he’s just supremely comfortable in his own skin. He usually doesn’t need another soul to fill in voids in his days. That’s taught me to enjoy solitude, the space just for oneself where thoughts can brew and imaginations can take shape. To just be and enjoy the simple pleasures of life! It’s a powerful state of being. Especially during the pandemic, this skill helped us isolate in our lil’ bubble without any major qualms.
Use books for company
I think it’s obvious by now that books are his best friends because reading is one of the most enriching hobbies that doesn’t require human company. The most non-academic reading I’d done by the time I finished all my degrees were a handful of books I could count on my fingers. Now, I read that many in a couple of months (this is not to boast, just to show my growth trajectory as a reader). I even have a favorite genre. No prizes for guessing!
Save before you spend
I’m a consumerist – I believe money is for buying things and I will use it more often than not. My husband believes in buying things that you need. ‘You need a new iPhone – sure buy it,’ he says. But do you really need to buy a new iPhone each time a new model comes out? Definitely not. The same goes for any other material possession that doesn’t serve a purpose other than a few minutes of elation and then leaves you feeling all bored or empty again. Over the years, I realized that money in the bank not only provides financial security but also the freedom to make life choices you wouldn’t otherwise afford to. Have separate saving and spending accounts if you tend to spend on impulse. So, my advice in congruence with my husband and Warren Buffett is to save before you spend.
Prioritize self over everything
Love your body. Take care of yourself before anyone else. You can never pour from an empty cup. The mantras he swears by. With the work schedules he’s had, and a house with two extroverts who seek his company and energy, it’s a miracle how he pulls off most demands – personal and professional – with ease. That’s because he takes care of himself. The first and the last hour of the day on most days is just reserved for him to recharge and rebuild his drained energies. On the other hand, I prioritize everything else over self-care! I’m catching up though. I say no to toxic behaviors and unnecessary demands put on me more often now. I take time to do what I like most days. This is the most valuable skill of all – choose yourself each time, all the time, and over everything.
Love your parents
Sure, most of us love our parents. Also, most of us get sucked into adulting so much that we lose the childlike connection with our parents. Not him. Seeing him with his folks takes me to the time when he was a kid. He loves his parents to the moon and back even though he doesn’t say it in so many words, and never posts sentimental pics or poetry on FB about it, one can tell he deeply cares. In a generation where most children blame their folks for a lot or at least something – his unwavering love is so admirable. I learned to see parents as people, and not hold them to a higher standard. I learned from him to be forgiving, not be hurtful in words or actions, and love my own parents unconditionally. It makes me ache and pray at the same time to have a bond as he does with my child.
Be earlier than late
He is a stickler for punctuality and I am a perpetual follower of Indian Standard Time (pun intended). Hey, I’m never late for appointments, but I’m never earlier than 5 minutes either which sure doesn’t give me the flexibility for a quick run to the washroom if I have to go. He on the other hand builds a buffer for most eventualities and has to be at least 15 minutes prior. I admit his buffers have saved us from missing critical things over the years. Now I don’t mind being 30 minutes earlier than I have to be – I’ll just sit in the car and read. It’s so much more peaceful to be there than to be in the stress of rushing.
Practice grit and perseverance
I’m working on this one even though I’ve seen him model this behavior for the better part of two decades. From taking tasks to completion on a daily basis to the unrelenting effort towards seeking goals that he sets himself – it takes strength of character to accomplish what he does. It’s true – perseverance and grit set the achievers apart from the rest. You may have the best idea in the world but it won’t get you anywhere till you work on it relentlessly. He calls me Mycroft Holmes – the brighter but lazier version of Sherlock Holmes who wasn’t half as popular. 😂 The good news is that our grit is unlimited and it can be built, and once practiced in one realm it carries over to other arenas.
Hold on to humor
Nothing bonds two people more than a joke they both enjoy. Be it cracking silly jokes amidst a serious conversation, wordplay, or references to double meanings – we breathe humor in our daily lives. We love clowning and live by the mantra ‘Life is short – laugh it out loud!’
Honesty is the best policy
Sometimes in social situations, I find myself searching for appropriate or politically correct words while expressing certain views for the fear of being misinterpreted. Later, I regret not saying what I actually wanted. My husband on the other side is a straight shooter. He’s never afraid to call a spade a spade in simple, kind words. I so admire this about him – not attaching much emotion to his replies and saying stuff upfront. I’m slowly getting there – I can now text how I really feel if not say it directly (that’s progress believe me)!
Recognize the problem to find a solution
In my personal and professional life, I’ve found myself pushing certain issues or feelings under the carpet. Sometimes to hide my vulnerability and at others to control a knee-jerk reaction. More often than not I tend to leave them unattended till I can and act as if nothing is wrong. He likes to keep things ironed out and wrinkle-free. He addresses the issues head-on. Finds solutions or accepts that there can’t be one and moves on. End result – no emotional baggage’s whatsoever.
Yes, we are poles apart, but you know what they say about opposite poles attracting. We complement and complete each other – like a team we cover each other’s blind spots. I could not be happier screaming on this rollercoaster ride called life with anyone but this solid guy by my side whom I call my best friend – my life partner (touchwood).
Cheers to the 12th wedding Anniversary Gourav and to many more to come!
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