How soon is too soon? And how long is long enough?! Let’s arrive at the answer together, shall we?
It’s been 1 year 4 months or 16 months or 486 days since my dad moved on to his heavenly abode. I know this timeline because I’ve been counting, patiently waiting for the day I’ll reach the end of the tunnel and feel one with the pain so that it stops weighing me down. I am still waiting. Let me clarify, just in case you were wondering if I have too much time on my hands to focus on the grief, I am a working parent living away from family with not much help with chores and such so I do lead what you would call a “busy” life. I have tried to occupy myself with other pleasurable things such as travel, photography, meeting friends, listening to audiobooks and podcasts, and exercise to leave myself hardly any time to ponder upon the grief. I have also given myself time to process it. But it doesn’t go away. At this point, I believe it probably never will.
Grief, however, does get better as time passes. The active expressions of grief like talking to my dad in my head (no judgement please) and crying each day stopped around the 8-month mark. The past could neither be erased nor undone. I simply had to accept it. Therapy helped. The fact that my mom had to go through a bypass surgery didn’t. Anyway. After going through the stages of grief – more than once I must admit – acceptance came after the first year. I even started smiling soon after. Remembered my dad fondly, albeit the sobs. But my before and after loss smiles are different. It’s not a change you would notice, it’s a change I notice. It’s not the one brought by age either. The daily drudgery and effort it takes to normalise everything and appear okay takes a toll on the happiness quotient. However, I would be lying if I say anything is different about my life – it’s just that I am different.
I am definitely fine, but not necessarily okay.
I’ve learnt to relive the happy memories, it gives me peace to remember that I told him I loved him many times not just as a kid or a young adult but also the last time I met him in person. The time spent with my dad was full of anecdotes and meaningful life lessons, and I’m not saying this because I’m his daughter, it truly was. I unlock this wisdom from my memories as and when required.
I don’t know what my timeline to heal is. But these past months have helped me understand why the kindest of people are the ones who have suffered deep pain. This experience has taught me a lot. To read the sadness behind smiles. To be nice to oneself and deserving others. To see people for who they really are. To reminisce. To protect my energy. To appreciate nature. To be in the moment. To breathe and let go. It’s a humbling experience, one that shakes you out of the belief of life’s permanence and makes you aware that each moment is fleeting.
So, “how soon is too soon, and how long is long enough?”, you ask.
The right answer is that there’s no right answer to these questions. Grief is a price we pay for love. The deeper the love the deeper the grief. Everyone has a different journey, different coping mechanisms, a different timeline to heal from grief. However the truth also is that you actually never heal from it, you just learn to live with it and it becomes a part of you. Time doesn’t heal, time makes you accept the truth and then you learn to live the new normal.
So, dear reader, if there’s one thing you take away from my experience let it be the cliché “Carpe diem” or “seize the day”. Spend time with your loved ones Now! Take the plunge, don’t put things for tomorrow, go for that vacation with your friends, meet up with your family as often as you can, and when with them let them know you love them. Make memories! Cuz that’s all you can hold on to and go back to for comfort in troubled times. Everything else is ephemeral.
Cheers Dad, I hope you’re happy wherever you are ❤️
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